many many thoughts ran through my mind:

how am i going to live by down the road in 10 years time?
where am i going to live after two more months?
why do i let the band teachers upset/down/angry/dissappointed with me time and again? what have i done?
why am i falling away?
why do i let myself down ?
why do i give up so easily?

these thoughts kept on running wild in my head.
and now , i felt i want band to be my first priority. i dontknow why. yes. it's dumb but i really want to excel up to a profession level in trumpet playing. i also want to take trumpet exams and go for auditions.
i want to play for opus now. i know, it might be a lil too late. but i've thought it through- i am definitely playin for opus. but but but , it all depends on the teachers , if they would approve me. might not approve due to lousy attitude.attendance. i felt i've done so much wrongs towards them. o.why am i so terrible? i remember how dissappointed mrs fong and ms tan were with me. i remember their faces. so clearly. i'm sorry. its just too late.very late. they had already lost that trust in me.what's more i could do. i cant earn back anymore... why do i regret when everything had been done?
no matter what,i'm not gona give up for trumpet is my passion.
i just dislike myself.
what a terrible me i am.

i'm shifting soon. yes.i dontknow where. i dislike the whole idea. o why. HAI. super upset now. z.z.z.z.z i just feeel like dying at this very moment. its painful. but better than being on this earth.i just want to dissappear right now.

i did nothin much today. i went to becky's house in e noon. prac trumpet.watch shows. sleep. and then went home. i really miss the warmth.. hai ..
thanks mom, for the soya milk. .....


...........................................
she's upset, i'm more upset.